MENTAL HEALTH: What are Boundaries?

by Alexis Rosendo

BOUNDARIES. It’s likely that you have heard the word boundaries thrown around in a conversation or two. Maybe you encountered it while scrolling on social media, or watching a YouTube clip, or listening to a podcast. Boundaries is very much a ‘buzz’ word right now, and for good reason. Anyone who is trying to maintain healthy relationships with themselves and other people have thought about, or is thinking about, or will think about boundaries. But what is a boundary, and what does it mean to set a boundary?

We actually encounter boundaries in the real world all of the time. Picture a house or building that you have seen in your neighborhood recently. Maybe it has a fence around it. That fence is a boundary: it keeps things in that need to be kept in, like pets, and keeps out what needs to be kept out, like trespassers. Now think about the smart phone you own, or one that you’ve seen. Chances are it has a lock screen that requires either a multi-digit pin code, face recognition, or fingerprint recognition to gain access. That lock screen is a boundary: it clearly separates those who have access from those who do not. That’s it! On a basic, generic level, a boundary is a barrier that is created in the midst of one’s life, routine, or relationships that defines an expectation. To return to earlier examples, a boundary may be communicated via a sign on a fenced-in property that says, AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY, or by a lock-screen message on a smartphone that says PLEASE ENTER PIN TO UNLOCK PHONE. Really good boundaries also communicate the consequence for not respecting the boundary. For example, the fenced-in property could add to their sign: VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED. Likewise, the savvy smartphone will alert you that, after too many failed tries, that PHONE WILL BE LOCKED FOR 5 MINUTES. Now we know not only the expectation, but the consequence for not complying. Finally, really really good boundaries also communicate why the boundary exists.

That brings us to you. And to me. Now that we understand what a boundary is and what boundaries look like in every day life, what does they have to do with mental health and relationships?

Boundaries are used to communicate expectations to those who are part of our world as a means of sharing our wants and needs + negotiating getting those wants and needs met. The end result of setting boundaries is having your needs met.

You probably set boundaries all the time without even realizing! Saying, “please don’t touch me” to a stranger trying to get your attention in a grocery store is setting a boundary. Asking your family members to knock before entering your bedroom is setting a boundary. Letting your blind date know that you don’t kiss on the first date is setting a boundary. 

Here are some quick tips for how to set boundaries consistently and effectively in your everyday life :

Know what boundary you want to set.  Consistency is everything! Imagine you approach that fenced-in property that we mentioned before, but today the fence is removed. But then you return to the property tomorrow and the fence and sign is back in place. You would be extremely confused as to whether you were allowed to access that property. Is trespassing allowed? Is someone actually intending to prosecute violators? It’s hard to tell! The same goes for our relationships. When we toggle back-and-forth haphazardly between what we want and what we don’t want, we confuse the people around us, many of whom love us and actually want to respect our boundaries. As long as they are confused, they are less likely to do what it is you would like for them to do, which leads to disappointment and frustration for everyone. Take some time alone to really sit and reflect on the boundaries that you want to set before you set them. 

Now set the boundary! A fool-proof method for setting a boundary is to begin with an ‘I’ statement. ‘I’ statements bring the focus to the speaker (a.k.a. you!) and what the speaker is feeling, thinking or needing. ‘I’ statements also allow the person who is listening (your spouse, relative, friend, boss, etc) to be more receptive to what you are saying instead of defensive. Including the emotion that you are feeling is really important, especially when setting boundaries in relationships. Humans connect most often to one another via emotions (not facts and logic), so the more you are able to tell someone how you are feeling when communicating, the more they can connect with what you are communicating.

Use this formula of a feeling + a need to set a boundary: “I feel _____ when _____. I need ________.” An example of this would be, “I feel disrespected when you come to my room without permission. I need you to knock and wait for me to invite you in before you enter my room.”

Enforce the boundary! This is the hardest part. Sometimes we can manage to get through setting a boundary, but the second that someone disrespects or oversteps the boundary, we freeze. What do I do now? Unfortunately, there are some people who simply will not follow a rule or boundary unless there’s a consequence. Think about how many people only avoid speeding because there is a ticket, fine, or court date involved, not because it’s actually unsafe and inconsiderate to other drivers. The threat of the consequence is the motivation for compliance. To be clear — you don’t always need to start communicating your boundary with a consequence; however, if you’re noticing that the boundary has been overstepped once or twice, it is probably time to communicate a consequence and enforce that consequence. Let’s return back to the earlier example about knocking on the door. I’m going to add a consequence at the end of my feeling + need boundary.

I feel disrespected when you come to my room without permission. I need you to knock and wait for me to invite you in before you enter my room. If you’re not willing to do that, I’ll no longer allow you to borrow my clothes.

The important part is to actually enforce the boundary consequence! So, when that family member barges into your room for the umpteenth time without knocking, you actually need to refuse their request to borrow clothes (even if you want them to borrow the clothes!). Just like tantrumming toddlers, people will test a boundary just to see if you really mean business. Someone will always call your bluff, so don’t threaten a consequence you can’t follow through on or one that is inappropriate for the relationship. I always say, start how you want to finish! Start by holding fast to the boundaries that you have set and following through on the consequences so people know exactly what to expect from you. If you begin by relaxing the boundary or not following through on the consequence, people will expect that from you and it’ll be much harder to actually start enforcing your boundaries later. They will only care about your boundaries if you care.

Now, to normalize this for you, boundary setting is hard. EXTREMELY HARD. It will often feel weird at the beginning, and it may cause some disruptions in the relationships that are not used to you being assertive about your needs and expectations. You may feel selfish for, say, not lending out the clothes, or you may feel like you’re overreacting to what others are doing. When transitioning from no boundaries to boundaries, the adjustment period will be uncomfortable, yet temporary. Boundary setting is something that every human needs to be able to do in their life in order to advocate for ourselves and others, so it is worth the effort. It will take some trial and error to find the language that feels most comfortable to you, so feel free to tweak the examples above. Find a method for setting boundaries that works for you and your life.

We are all works in progress. Everyone could use resources and help on how to improve with boundary setting, so feeling like you need some extra practice or support or that boundaries sound impossible is normal. In my work as a counselor, there are rarely clients who haven’t needed to work on boundary setting in some form or another. For many individuals, it is the main reason why they are seeking counseling. Do not feel shame or embarrassment if you struggle with setting boundaries. This isn’t something that is intuitive – boundary setting has to be taught in order for it to be known. Fortunately, anyone can learn anything if they are willing. 

If you struggle with setting boundaries and it is beginning to affect your life (or maybe you want to nip it in the bud before it does), I encourage you to reach out to local mental health organizations to find a counselor that would be a good match for you and your needs. Counseling will not be an overnight fix, but you will get the tools, practice, and support you need to make meaningful and lasting change. You can do it! 

Onward and upward!