Faith + Mental Health BLOG

LIFE: Marriage = Separateness + Oneness

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by Alexis Rosendo

ONENESS. Most people who are married or plan to be married desire to achieve true oneness with their spouse. This oneness often conjures of images of being emotionally ‘in tune’, as in knowing what the other person is feeling, working together as a partnership on all major goals and decisions, and submitting in respect to the other person’s ideas, contributions, and preferences.

True oneness within marriage is absolutely the goal, but so is maintaining separateness.

Separateness? This word seems to be the polar opposite of oneness, and, at first glance, it can be confusing how they both coexist together. However, healthy relationships (including marriages) are dependent on each individual’s ability to balance both being together and being apart, both belonging to one another and being one’s own person — maintaining individuality and personhood unique to themselves only. 

Now, let’s be honest. This idea can seem unnecessarily complex. But maybe we can become motivated to pursue this delicate balance if we realize the consequences of not having such a balance. Ever heard of codependency? What about the cycle of abuse often displayed in domestic violence situations? Or have you seen a couple that seemed more like roommates than spouses? We are more susceptible and at-risk to find ourselves in an unhealthy, codependent, or even abusive marriage when are unaware of our need to begin a relationship on a foundation of this healthy balance. We are also more at-risk to find ourselves in a pattern of unfulfilling, loveless, disengaged relationships when we are not equipped to pursue and negotiate this balance with others. We must understand that we are, at the same time, our own person with individual needs, desires, ideas, purpose, and identity, while also being a willing participant who is one-half of a dyad within a relationship. If the balance is tipped in either direction, either more towards separateness or more towards togetherness, the relationship quickly becomes unhealthy.

If this concept seems foreign to you, keep reading for a few ‘first steps’ on how to establish and maintain the healthy balance between oneness and separateness.

Finding The Balance Between Oneness and Separateness

  1. Identify where you start and the other person begins. Even within the best and loving marriage, the reality is that the union was created by the fusion of two-ness. You and your spouse were not born as the same person, nor were you at one point physically joined at the hip and later separated (I hope!). So the oneness we are describing is not an inherent oneness, but one that is being developed over time. This oneness began as two-ness.
    • Sit down and examine your beliefs, values, goals, and philosophies about life. Are these ones that you had before your marriage? Are these the ones that were formed by compromise and discussion within your marriage? Where are there differences between your thoughts and your spouse’s thoughts? One visually helpful way to process through this is by using a Venn diagram (two circles that overlap in the middle), making it easy to identify what you and your spouse have in common but also where there are elements of identity unique to each person. Sketch out this diagram and begin filling in the differences and similarities within beliefs, values, goals, and other important elements of identity.
    • The elements of your identity, such as your beliefs or philosophies of life, are absolutely allowed to change as you grow and evolve overtime. This is healthy and almost inevitable, and it will happen for both you and your spouse. Bear in mind that the goal is not necessarily to have everything in the middle circle of commonality and nothing in the outer circle of separateness. Rather, you want to own your separateness and permit your spouse’s separateness through empathy and understanding. If you start to find yourself negating the pieces of yourself in your individual circle, or swapping them out for new pieces of commonality that reject or oppose your individual elements, take a step back and return to your Venn diagram. Was that shift intentional or intentional?
  2. Ask yourself “What am I responsible for and what is my spouse responsible for?” This question is also one that can be processed through with a handy dandy Venn diagram or similar visual aid. The purpose of this question is to identify the distribution of physical, financial, and emotional responsibility.
    • Ask yourself these questions: Am I responsible for, or to blame for, my spouse’s emotional state, accomplishments, and overall well-being? Do I depend on my spouse for my own individual state, accomplishments, and well-being? What am I solely responsible for within the marriage, and where do I lean on the partnership of my spouse? Where is my spouse solely responsible within the marriage and where do they lean on me for partnership? As you outline this, you will be, in essence, identifying where emotional boundaries live between you and your spouse.
    • The goal is to have clearly defined lines showing that each individual is responsible for themselves, their thoughts, feelings, actions, and success, while also a reasonable contributor to the joint goals and joint success within the marriage. Within a healthy marriage, individuals should have things for which they are accountable as well as things in which they participate within the marriage: neither person should be to blame or held ultimately accountable for the other person with the success of the marriage falling too heavily on one person or the other. If ever it starts to feel like you are being overworked, undervalued, unnecessarily blamed, or chronically unsupported within the marriage, come back to your Venn diagram or list that you made for this question, see where the emotional boundaries exist and where they need to be reworked.  The lack of clear boundaries is unsustainable as it alleviates an adult from being responsible and accountable for themselves, and removes the opportunity for their spouse to be responsible for their own wellness (since they are so burdened with being on the hook for the one shrinking back from accountability). 
  3. As yourself: Do I identify first as an individual, as part of a couple, or both? Questions of identity are always complex since there are many different distinctions one can have within identity, and the relevance of these distinctions vary on the context. For example, depending on the context, I could identify as a woman, a heterosexual, an African American, a wife, a mom, a therapist, and a Christian.
    • Within your oneness and separateness, which identity feels like a primary identity? Do they both feel equal? Do you define who you are more on your separateness or on your oneness with your spouse? Or does it feel equal? Do the defining factors of your life, purpose, and personhood stem from your separateness, oneness, or does it feel equal? Is it unbalanced?
    • These questions are abstract, and that means there is no objective means for measurement that will apply to every person reading these words right now. However, I encourage you to trust the feeling that first comes up when you answer these questions, and to trust your own knowledge about yourself and your marriage. Coming back to the feeling and intuition you have when you answer these questions is important because only you are living in your body as you exist within your marriage. If it feels unbalanced to you, then it is, and that is helpful information for you to have. If you do not like the information that stems from the feelings you get when you read these questions, you can go back to #1 and #2 and revisit or rework your responses. Where do you want to make changes, how would you like to answer that question? What are the steps to getting there?

While I will generally advocate against leaning towards a one-size-fits-all answer or solution within counseling and change, one thing that is pretty universal based on how our bodies and brains were made and how they best thrive is that we, as humans, are all in pursuit of balance. Our bodies move towards homeostasis, and our minds when unsettled move towards being settled, again and again.

We, as humans, are all in pursuit of balance.

Marriages are no different. While it is difficult, ever-challenging, and ever-changing balance to attain and maintain, the goal with marriage is to be both an individual with personhood, and a member of a partnership. That means that if we are solely a member of a partnership with no individual personhood, or solely an individual with personhood without the association to the partnership, the marriage is likely meeting the objective definition for dysfunction.

To normalize the dysfunction of imbalance — this oneness and separateness balance is a complex concept for most, and balance is always difficult to pursue since it can only be pursued in light of your unique circumstances and contributing factors. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help through a loved one or counselor to help you figure out the balance of your marriage so that it is and will always be healthy. And not healthy, in a hard-to-define way, but healthy in terms of clear and balanced boundaries that are identified in fulfilled needs and attainable, pursued goals that are congruent with what you desire out of life. It is absolutely hard and even draining and frustrating work, but it can be done, and you can do it. I’m cheering for you!

Here’s to many diagrams and happy, balanced, marriages in the days ahead.

Onward and upward!

MENTAL HEALTH: Five Reasons Why You Need To SAY The Emotion

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by Alexis Rosendo

How do you feel? Right now? Take a moment to put an emotion to your current state. Do you feel anxious, or frustrated, confused, or calm? Knowing how you feel, and then being able to share that with others, is such a rare, valuable, and necessary skill! 

But why? Why does it matter if I know how I’m feeling in different moments? And why does it matter if I tell people? How does that change anything?

5 Reasons Why You Should SAY Your Emotion

  • Increase your self awareness of your own emotional states. There are few things more powerful than knowledge. Knowledge and insight about yourself (that changes based on ever-evolving situations) is self-awareness. A lot of people lack self awareness, and it shows in their interactions, level of empathy and emotional intelligence. Saying your emotion is a great step towards becoming self-aware of your emotional state in the present moment and cluing in to how you are experiencing the world around you in any given moment. Self awareness is valuable because it helps you to connect with others, present yourself in the way you intend to, resist allowing an overwhelm of emotion to overtake and rule you, and self-soothe as often as is necessary. 
  • Name it, claim it, tame it. Let’s get back to this self-soothing idea. When we NAME the emotion, and CLAIM it, we can TAME it. That is a catchy way of saying when I can put my finger on what’s going on with me emotionally and accept that, yes, this is actually an accurate and honest description of my emotional state, then and only then can I begin to resolve that emotion. Too often we can’t overcome an emotion because we don’t know what we are feeling and, even if we did, we would 100% deny that we were feeling it! It’s like when someone is feeling betrayed but can’t articulate that it’s betrayal (and not, say, anger or frustration) that they are feeling, AND are denying that anything is wrong at all. (“No, I’m fine, honest!”)They will have a very hard time working through that betrayal to regulate emotions back to a peaceful or neutral state. 

Too often we can’t overcome an emotion because we don’t know what we are feeling and, even if we did, we would 100% deny that we were feeling it!

  • It connects you emotionally to others. This one is a BIG one. How often have we been insulted or felt unloveed because someone didn’t respond to our emotion in the correct way without realizing that we never actually SAID our emotion? Everyone at some time has been guilty of assuming others can read your mind and body language 100% correctly, at any given moment in time. This is NOT FAIR. Even if someone knows you and loves you, their own emotional and mental state can cloud their ability to accurately judge what’s happening internally for you, and also…they shouldn’t have to work that hard! Open your mouth, remove all doubt, and give people the information they need to love and care for you properly based on how you are feeling. There’s no guarantee they’ll do it perfectly, or that there will be a flawless emotional connection, but there is a greater chance of an unfulfilling emotional connection iF you say nothing. 
  • It teaches and models other. We live and exist in community, and we are all flawed people who are trying to figure life out one day at a time. We are all growing! The great thing about this is that we learn from one another and can grow together. As you boldly say your emotion, it allows for conversation and connection that then teaches and models for others how to say their emotions. Can you imagine living in a world where we all actually said what we were feeling…no mind games, no assumptions, just honesty and transparency? Some things could go wrong, but a lot could go right. If you are hoping others would be more open with you, a big thing that’s within your control is first being open with them. 
  • Disarms the emotion. Research shows that the emotions (and thoughts) that stay in our heads feel bigger, stronger, more daunting. Saying our emotion helps us to process the emotion on a deeper level and see it for what is really is, not a huge boogie monster in your head. I’ve had it happen before where something felt so scary in my mind but once I talked it aloud, I realized it was actually not that bad, not impossible, not the end of the world. The same happens with our emotions. Is being ANGRY really the end of the world? What’s the worst that can happen if you really are CONFUSED? Disarm your emotions, take away the power they don’t deserve, and gain perspective by saying them aloud. 

Full disclosure – there’s a reason why everyone you meet (or even everyone with whom you are in relationship) isn’t going around stating every emotion every day. IT’S HARD. It exposes us and makes us vulnerable. It’s scary. It is unpredictable how people will react to hearing our emotion. All of that is true and valid. It takes considerable courage to be real with yourself and others, so don’t feel bad if you struggle with this currently or have struggled with this for a long time. Take it one step at a time, maybe start with saying your emotion aloud to an empty room to let yourself get used to it before saying these emotions to others. Or maybe set the goal to say aloud one emotion per week to anyone, doesn’t matter who or where (tell a random person in the grocery store that you’re overwhelmed this week!). Wherever you start, you can make progress and you can build this skill. You can do it! 

Onward and upward!

LIFE + FAITH: Christmas = love + gifts + redemption

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by Alexis Rosendo

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

It is Christmas morning and I hope you are surrounded by loved ones, good food, great memories and a lingering sense of peace and calm.

This Christmas, and every single day, let us remember the themes underlying the Christmas holiday and anchoring the Christian faith.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

John 3:16, NKJV
  1. LOVE: “For God so loved the world…” YOU ARE LOVED. YOU WERE LOVED. YOU WILL BE LOVED. Perfectly, completely, unconditionally, no matter what, irrespective of who you are and what you have done or will do, by a perfect and Holy God who created the entire world (you included) with a specific purpose in mind.
  2. GIFTS: “…that He gave His only begotten son…” God’s love creates generosity. He, as a father, gave the most beautiful and precious gift He could ever give, His one and only son. He gave a gift out of love to you and for you. It is unthinkable of a father to give up their only child and God’s love for you is so great that He did it and would do it again, just for you, because of what it would mean for you.
  3. REDEMPTION: “…that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” The gift that God gave out of love was to save you, me and all of creation and to give us life that is free, full, healthy, and whole. God’s gift to the world He loves is the life of JESUS. Jesus is the savior of our sin that separated us from God, and the one who gave up His life to pay a price for the human race so that our sin could be forgiven and we could be reconnected back with our God and creator.

YOU ARE LOVED.

GOD’S LOVE FOR YOU IS SHOWN IN GENEROSITY.

GOD’S GREAT GIFT TO YOU IS REDEMPTION, SO YOU CAN BE FREE AND WHOLE WITH HIM.

At any time, when you are ready, you can accept this wonderful gift and live in the freedom and connection it brings.

Merry Christmas! Onward and Upward!