MENTAL HEALTH: How to Change Behavior

by Alexis Rosendo

If you’re like me, you have at some point found yourself in a position where you are really frustrated with a behavior that it seems you just can’t change. Maybe you’re someone who sleeps with a stuffed animal and absolutely, positively, cannot sleep a wink without it. Or maybe you were tired of biting your nails, but nothing you had tried has helped you to stop. Or maybe you find yourself telling a bunch of ‘white lies’ in order to impress people and it makes you feel awful afterwards. Whatever the behavior is, it is one that is no longer helpful or appropriate (or maybe it never was?) and it feels impossible to change this behavior and keep it changed, long-term. Haven’t we all been there? It’s amazing that we want to change our unhelpful, habitual behaviors; however, in order to do so, it is important that we understand the role that behavior plays in our lives.

ALL ABOUT BEHAVIOR

On a very basic level, behavior is functional. That means that everything that we do serves a purpose or a function, and that behaviors meet needs. Now, when we say needs, this includes both big and small, superficial and deep-rooted, conscious and subconscious needs. So, for example, in one moment you may need to feel beautiful, and in the next you may need to eat something, and later you may have a need for companionship. From these needs you would engage in behaviors that would make you feel beautiful, get you something to eat, or place yourself around current or potential friends.

Whether we realize it or not, no one ever does anything for no reason. There is always a reason. It is not always easy to figure out that reason, but figuring it out is actually an early step to changing whatever behavior that you want to change: you have to figure out why the behavior exists. What need is this behavior meeting in your life?

What need is this behavior meeting in your life?

The behavior that you want to change is currently feeding something in you. It is meeting a need for you, and whether that need is a good need or a bad need is not relevant to changing the behavior. What we have to understand is that if a behavior is meeting a need, and all behavior is meeting a need, then this behavior will never be able to be changed long-term unless we find another way for that need to be met.

To give you a practical example: Imagine you are someone who suffers with emotional eating. You overeat. Try as you might, you’ve never been able to reign in the habit of indulging in food past the point of being full and almost to the point of being sick. Afterwards, you feel horrible and wish you had never done it, but still the next day you are back at it. Eating and eating and overeating. You would want to explore what need this behavior is meeting in your life. Why do you overeat? Maybe the eating makes you feel better when you are sad and depressed. Maybe the eating alleviates anxiety when you are having spiraling, intrusive thoughts. Maybe the eating helps you get closer to your desired weight, which helps you get closer to feeling good about how you look. Whatever the reason is, it is important to identify it because that need will continue to exist regardless of what behavior is meeting it. That need still needs to be addressed. So if you are overeating because it helps you with your sadness and depression, you will need to find a replacement behavior that is just as effective in meeting that need (making you feel better about your sadness and depression) in order to resolve the maladaptive behavior of overeating. The same would go for alleviating anxious thoughts or helping you to feel better about your body. In order to change that behavior long-term, we can’t just try not to overeat. We engage in the replacement behavior that meets the need, and once the need is being met in another way, the unhealthy or maladaptive behavior would actually resolve on its own since it is no longer needed. Cool, huh?

Here’s a step-by-step process to guide behavior modification. 

1. What behavior do I want to change? 
2. Why do I want to change this behavior? Why now?
3. When do I do this behavior? Where do I do this behavior? What feelings are attached to doing this behavior, as in what do I feel before I do the behavior? What do I feel after I do the behavior?
4. How is this behavior helping me? What need is it meeting in my life? What would I lose if I didn’t have this behavior?
5. What is a replacement behavior that I could try to meet that same need?
6. How effective is the replacement behavior at meeting the need for me? Do I need to try a different replacement behavior? How will I know if the replacement behavior meets my need?

All-in-all, behavior meets needs and your needs need to be met. If a bad behavior meets a need, the bad behavior will fade away once you put a good behavior in its place to meet that need. This isn’t an overnight fix, it takes time, effort, honesty, and intentionality… but it is possible and you can do it! You are already on your way just from desiring to change your unhelpful habits.

Of course, if you find yourself stuck on one of the 5 steps above, you can always reach out to mental health professionals in your area to receive support and accountability in exploring behavior, needs, and long-term change. Getting help is always a smart idea, and counseling is a great place to start.

Onward and upward!