LIFE: Marriage = Separateness + Oneness

by Alexis Rosendo

ONENESS. Most people who are married or plan to be married desire to achieve true oneness with their spouse. This oneness often conjures of images of being emotionally ‘in tune’, as in knowing what the other person is feeling, working together as a partnership on all major goals and decisions, and submitting in respect to the other person’s ideas, contributions, and preferences.

True oneness within marriage is absolutely the goal, but so is maintaining separateness.

Separateness? This word seems to be the polar opposite of oneness, and, at first glance, it can be confusing how they both coexist together. However, healthy relationships (including marriages) are dependent on each individual’s ability to balance both being together and being apart, both belonging to one another and being one’s own person — maintaining individuality and personhood unique to themselves only. 

Now, let’s be honest. This idea can seem unnecessarily complex. But maybe we can become motivated to pursue this delicate balance if we realize the consequences of not having such a balance. Ever heard of codependency? What about the cycle of abuse often displayed in domestic violence situations? Or have you seen a couple that seemed more like roommates than spouses? We are more susceptible and at-risk to find ourselves in an unhealthy, codependent, or even abusive marriage when are unaware of our need to begin a relationship on a foundation of this healthy balance. We are also more at-risk to find ourselves in a pattern of unfulfilling, loveless, disengaged relationships when we are not equipped to pursue and negotiate this balance with others. We must understand that we are, at the same time, our own person with individual needs, desires, ideas, purpose, and identity, while also being a willing participant who is one-half of a dyad within a relationship. If the balance is tipped in either direction, either more towards separateness or more towards togetherness, the relationship quickly becomes unhealthy.

If this concept seems foreign to you, keep reading for a few ‘first steps’ on how to establish and maintain the healthy balance between oneness and separateness.

Finding The Balance Between Oneness and Separateness

1. Identify where you start and the other person begins. Even within the best and loving marriage, the reality is that the union was created by the fusion of two-ness. You and your spouse were not born as the same person, nor were you at one point physically joined at the hip and later separated (I hope!). So the oneness we are describing is not an inherent oneness, but one that is being developed over time. This oneness began as two-ness.
   • Sit down and examine your beliefs, values, goals, and philosophies about life. Are these ones that you had before your marriage? Are these the ones that were formed by compromise and discussion within your marriage? Where are there differences between your thoughts and your spouse’s thoughts? One visually helpful way to process through this is by using a Venn diagram (two circles that overlap in the middle), making it easy to identify what you and your spouse have in common but also where there are elements of identity unique to each person. Sketch out this diagram and begin filling in the differences and similarities within beliefs, values, goals, and other important elements of identity.
   • The elements of your identity, such as your beliefs or philosophies of life, are absolutely allowed to change as you grow and evolve overtime. This is healthy and almost inevitable, and it will happen for both you and your spouse. Bear in mind that the goal is not necessarily to have everything in the middle circle of commonality and nothing in the outer circle of separateness. Rather, you want to own your separateness and permit your spouse’s separateness through empathy and understanding. If you start to find yourself negating the pieces of yourself in your individual circle, or swapping them out for new pieces of commonality that reject or oppose your individual elements, take a step back and return to your Venn diagram. Was that shift intentional or intentional?
2. Ask yourself “What am I responsible for and what is my spouse responsible for?” This question is also one that can be processed through with a handy dandy Venn diagram or similar visual aid. The purpose of this question is to identify the distribution of physical, financial, and emotional responsibility.
   • Ask yourself these questions: Am I responsible for, or to blame for, my spouse’s emotional state, accomplishments, and overall well-being? Do I depend on my spouse for my own individual state, accomplishments, and well-being? What am I solely responsible for within the marriage, and where do I lean on the partnership of my spouse? Where is my spouse solely responsible within the marriage and where do they lean on me for partnership? As you outline this, you will be, in essence, identifying where emotional boundaries live between you and your spouse.
   • The goal is to have clearly defined lines showing that each individual is responsible for themselves, their thoughts, feelings, actions, and success, while also a reasonable contributor to the joint goals and joint success within the marriage. Within a healthy marriage, individuals should have things for which they are accountable as well as things in which they participate within the marriage: neither person should be to blame or held ultimately accountable for the other person with the success of the marriage falling too heavily on one person or the other. If ever it starts to feel like you are being overworked, undervalued, unnecessarily blamed, or chronically unsupported within the marriage, come back to your Venn diagram or list that you made for this question, see where the emotional boundaries exist and where they need to be reworked.  The lack of clear boundaries is unsustainable as it alleviates an adult from being responsible and accountable for themselves, and removes the opportunity for their spouse to be responsible for their own wellness (since they are so burdened with being on the hook for the one shrinking back from accountability). 
3. As yourself: Do I identify first as an individual, as part of a couple, or both? Questions of identity are always complex since there are many different distinctions one can have within identity, and the relevance of these distinctions vary on the context. For example, depending on the context, I could identify as a woman, a heterosexual, an African American, a wife, a mom, a therapist, and a Christian.
   • Within your oneness and separateness, which identity feels like a primary identity? Do they both feel equal? Do you define who you are more on your separateness or on your oneness with your spouse? Or does it feel equal? Do the defining factors of your life, purpose, and personhood stem from your separateness, oneness, or does it feel equal? Is it unbalanced?
   • These questions are abstract, and that means there is no objective means for measurement that will apply to every person reading these words right now. However, I encourage you to trust the feeling that first comes up when you answer these questions, and to trust your own knowledge about yourself and your marriage. Coming back to the feeling and intuition you have when you answer these questions is important because only you are living in your body as you exist within your marriage. If it feels unbalanced to you, then it is, and that is helpful information for you to have. If you do not like the information that stems from the feelings you get when you read these questions, you can go back to #1 and #2 and revisit or rework your responses. Where do you want to make changes, how would you like to answer that question? What are the steps to getting there?

While I will generally advocate against leaning towards a one-size-fits-all answer or solution within counseling and change, one thing that is pretty universal based on how our bodies and brains were made and how they best thrive is that we, as humans, are all in pursuit of balance. Our bodies move towards homeostasis, and our minds when unsettled move towards being settled, again and again.

We, as humans, are all in pursuit of balance.

Marriages are no different. While it is difficult, ever-challenging, and ever-changing balance to attain and maintain, the goal with marriage is to be both an individual with personhood, and a member of a partnership. That means that if we are solely a member of a partnership with no individual personhood, or solely an individual with personhood without the association to the partnership, the marriage is likely meeting the objective definition for dysfunction.

To normalize the dysfunction of imbalance — this oneness and separateness balance is a complex concept for most, and balance is always difficult to pursue since it can only be pursued in light of your unique circumstances and contributing factors. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help through a loved one or counselor to help you figure out the balance of your marriage so that it is and will always be healthy. And not healthy, in a hard-to-define way, but healthy in terms of clear and balanced boundaries that are identified in fulfilled needs and attainable, pursued goals that are congruent with what you desire out of life. It is absolutely hard and even draining and frustrating work, but it can be done, and you can do it. I’m cheering for you!

Here’s to many diagrams and happy, balanced, marriages in the days ahead.

Onward and upward!