by Alexis Rosendo
Emotions, emotions, emotions: the little parts of us that we cannot ignore or deny but for a short while before they scream forth, demanding our attention and forcing us to pause. Emotions are always at the forefront of our mental health, whether we want them there or not. Because of our experience of life, and the way that life impresses upon us, changes how we feel about ourselves, others, and life in general. Emotions are a big part of what forms our perceptions, beliefs, and moods. So… how do you feel?
Truth vs True?
At some point, we will encounter an emotional disagreement in a situation, where someone or something else disagrees with our emotion towards something. Maybe a friend says something to you, and you feel hurt, but they say, “no, that wasn’t hurtful”. Or maybe a small child tells their parent that they are afraid and the parent responds, “there’s nothing to be afraid of”. Where do we go from there? Once we know what we are feeling, and even go so far as to communicate and express that feeling — truly owning it as a part of our lived experience — it can be defeating to have that disaffirmed, rejected, or overwritten. What do we do with the feeling once it is in opposition to what someone else is feeling or believing that we should feel? You feel this, but she says you shouldn’t. You feel that, but he says your feeling is wrong, inappropriate, or even offensive. What now?
There is a big difference between what is true to you, and what is the truth. The truth denotes objectivity, while true-to-you implies subjectivity. The truth is true no matter what, no matter what you think, say, or even if you don’t believe it. True-to-you is true to you and for you, and maybe only you, because of your uniqueness, your individual perspective, worldview, and experience. Who you are and how you are looking at the situation makes the emotion true to you, and others can and may disagree.
This is an important distinction, because oftentimes misunderstanding enters when one person is arguing for their subjective, true-to-them, emotion, and the other person is arguing for an objective, true-to-everyone, truth.
Fortunately, these two things do not have to be an opposition. Two things can be true at the same time.
In fact, very often many things are true at the same time. If we don’t know this or don’t accept this, we find ourselves invalidating, doubting or questioning our own lived experience, which is unhealthy, especially as that experience resonates within our bodies. Invalidating or doubting our own emotions disconnects us from our own perceptions and judgments that help to keep us safe and help us govern over our actions. For example, if I don’t know whether I can trust that something is scary to me, how do I know when to go and hide? If I am not certain whether or not I feel hurt about something, how do I know when I need to sit down and have a conversation that can resolve my pain? Every individual needs to be able to trust their own lived experience as being true to them. It is true that a child feels afraid or that you feel hurt by what someone has said. That is subjectively true to you and for you. This is true to you and for you regardless of someone else’s disagreement or disapproval that you feel that particular emotion.
On the other hand, what is subjective is seldom the same as what is objective. Because of this, it is true that what is true for you may not be what is the objective truth. Let’s say that again. Two things can be true at one time: what is subjectively true for you is separate from what is objectively true for everyone.
Saying that you felt an emotion (which was true for you) is different from saying something about reality that is objectively true. This is to say that it is possible for you to feel hurt by someone’s words even if their words are not objectively hurtful. Two things can be true at one time, and both of those things can coexist. One does not invalidate the other, and both need to be honored in their own way.
Be careful!
It can be a slippery slope for us to assume the mindset that our emotions always denote objective truth. Our emotions are not necessarily the truth about a situation, or a person, motive, or even truth that we can use to make a qualified decision moving forward. Maybe they are sometimes, but they are certainly not always. While we we want to honor and give space for ourselves to experience whatever emotions are true for us, the objective truth is what grounds us. There is an objective truth, and it tethers us to reality and allows us to interact in a world that also includes countless other people with countless other subjective emotional experiences. To be fair, it is very difficult to maintain objectivity about an situation that we are involved in, especially when emotions are running high. So it is okay if reaching the objective truth is clouded by your subjective experience and you find difficulty in getting from one to the other.
On the other hand, it is maybe an even slippier slippery slope to get in the habit of suppressing the truth of what we feel because it contradicts what someone else feels, thinks or agrees with. Our goal as healthy individuals is to move away from distorted, polarized thinking regarding emotions and to move towards duality — we can feel more than one thing at a time, we can feel something different than what someone else feels, and we can feel something that is caused by things other than what is causing emotions for others. But no matter what, we feel, and that is important. Our feelings deserve attention, safety, resolution and validation.
Establishing the balance between what is true and what is the truth is hard, and hardly no one can do this 100% on their own. Lean on trusted individuals to help you ground yourself in the reality of what is objectively truth while still honoring the emotions that you feel from your subjective experience. Friends, family, and spouses are great for this, as are counselors and other mental health professionals. You can do it, and it is more than worthwhile.
Onward and upward!
Alexis Rosendo, M.A., M.A., LAPC 