LIFE: Tolerating vs Appreciating 

by Alexis Rosendo

Imagine you are at a busy amusement park waiting in line for a ride that you have heard about for weeks. This is the first time you’ve been able to get the weekend off from work and you’ve already been waiting an hour and a half for your turn to try out this newest thrill. Just as you are almost to the front of the line, an announcement comes over the loudspeaker that the ride will be closing down for the remainder of the day due to necessary maintenance and safety precautions.

Cue your mouth dropping open in disbelief. What?! This can’t be happening. Can you feel the blood boiling under your skin? You can hardly believe that — after all of the time you have spent waiting in this long line, after all of the sweat that has poured from your body in the scorching, summer sun, and after all of the money you spent for admission to the park on top of the lost wages from finagling another coworker to take your shift — you will, indeed, not be riding the ride that you came here to ride. You tense your body, take a deep breath in, mutter something snarky under your breath, and turn to walk away. “Ugh”, you think, “whatever. I guess I’ll have to find something else that makes this entire day worth my while”. 

Now, would it be safe to say that you are appreciating the abundance of caution being exercised by the park management in shutting down the ride for maintenance?… Not really. It would be more accurate to say that you are tolerating this inconvenience, doing your best to adjust to it and to cope in spite of it. You’re not happy that they have shut down the ride, you wish they hadn’t, and it annoys you that they did. If you could change it, you would, and you would make the entire hot, summer day in the overcrowded park go the way you planned it to go.

There is a huge difference between tolerating and appreciating.

There is a huge difference between tolerating and appreciating. This difference is palpable, especially in the world of relationships — whether it’s a relationship between a parent and a child or one spouse to the other. One could argue that individuals more often tolerate the differences, quirks , and preferences of another than we do appreciate them. However, relationships suffer harm and eventually dissolve for the absence of appreciating the uniqueness and difference that our loved ones bring to the table. If we only tolerate and never appreciate, we will soon find ourselves with fewer people to love. Because I can tell and you can tell when we are not appreciated. Being tolerated is not the same as being appreciated. Being tolerated hurts, and if it doesn’t now, it will, soon.

Why it is important to appreciate, and not simply tolerate 

1. Appreciating shows honor. When we honor one another’s difference, we are ascribing value, and then recognizing and respecting that value. There is nothing to be honored that isn’t worthy, special or exemplary, and so when we appreciate the nuances of our loved one in our words and our actions, it shows that we value and respect those nuances enough to recognize and honor them. This does not happen passively, but is an active and intentional process that begins in our mind, moves to our heart, and shows in our actions.
2. Appreciating shows joy. In any relationship, it is vitally important that you feel like the other person is glad that you are the way you are. We find purpose in bringing joy to the ones with whom we are in relationship, and when the joy they bring to us meets the joy we bring to them, a new, more powerful joy is created. This created joy becomes the lifehood of the relationship. On the flip side, when our words and actions express that our loved ones do not bring us joy just by being who they authentically are, the relationship will feel more like a chore than a blessing, and our loved ones feel more like a burden than a gift.
3. Appreciating removes the pressure to conform. All too often, and without realizing it, we speak and act in a way within our relationships that pressures the other person to be less like themselves, and more how we want them to be. Disapproval, irritation, and tolerance sends verbal and nonverbal messages that your loved one should change. “Be less like that and more like this”. These messages underscore that there is something inherently wrong about your loved ones most authentic self, and that they would receive more approval and love if they were different. When we intentionally appreciate one another for our uniqueness, that pressure goes right out of the window. Instead, our loved one feels safe and secure in their relationship – just as they are, no changes needed. Which is a good thing, since these pressures to conform eventually pile up and leave your loved one feeling REJECTED, and can bring even the most promising relationship to an untimely end. 

Switching from tolerating to appreciating doesn’t happen by mistake; it is a conscious and active process. It begins in your mind (decide that this change is one you will make) and moves to your heart (begin actively believing that there is value and beauty in your loved one’s uniqueness) before it ever comes out in your actions. But don’t worry — it can absolutely be done. This isn’t an overnight process and there isn’t any expectation to immediately and effortlessly change the things you might not even be aware that you are doing. It is hard, and it takes time. With humility and determination, you can make this transition and become someone that shows honor, brings joy, and removes unspoken pressure — someone who people love to be around and someone with whom people thrive. Fortunately, even just making up your mind to begin showing more appreciation to your loved one will create a discernible difference that your relationship will benefit from. So what are you waiting for?

Onward and upward!