Faith + Mental Health BLOG

LIFE: “Juneteenth”

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by Alexis Rosendo

Welcome to Juneteenth! We are glad that you’re here!

On this day, June 19th, 160 years ago, a new kind of Independence Day spread across the United States south. This was not the kind of Independence Day that meant that the newly-independent could then go and become a self-sufficient nation far away from their homeland, making their own rules and answering to no one. This was the kind that meant that those granted independence were already so far from their homeland that all they then wanted was to be included: to be a person, a man, a woman, a human…an equal to the one who granted their independence. 

If you are unfamiliar, Juneteenth is the celebration of the emancipation of slaves in the United States, and June 19, 1985, the first time it was ever celebrated, was a celebration celebrated 900 days late. President Lincoln had declared the slaves free with his signature on the Emancipation Proclamation on January 1, 1863, and Juneteenth was 900 days late. A few months before Juneteenth occurred the Civil War had ended – General Robert E. Lee had surrendered the Confederacy to the Union. The Union had won and the Confederacy was (and is!) no more. The 4 years of brutal war that was incited over the states’ rights to override federal laws regarding the morality of slavery had finally ended. The plea to strengthen an economy that rode on the back of an oppressive system in which humans were less than dogs had finally fallen on deaf ears. Juneteenth is the day General Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas to enforce the freedom of freed slaves who were still living enslaved and not yet living free…900 DAYS LATE.

But better late than never! Sources report that over 250,000 black slaves were free, and had been free for 900 days, and just didn’t know it yet. 900 days without being regarded as an object to be bought, sold and traded slipped right through the oblivious fingers of Black people until Union representatives entered into Texas to enforce what was already true: that paid labor would replace slave labor and that one man would no longer own another. The slaves were free. Juneteenth.

Today, and every year, let us celebrate Juneteenth by adorning the spirit of General Granger by riding into oppressive spaces and reminding our fellow human that they are free. They are free to stay, free to leave, free to work, free to sleep, free to walk, free to speak their mind, but most of all, free to live. Their freedom is a right, and that came at too high a cost to trifle with. Today’s social justice climate has been fractured with the constant reminder that some people would know of the freedom of an oppressed, bruised and broken soul, and never tell them. Some would see an oppressed, bruised and broken soul, and find further ways to oppress, bruise and break them. Some will let other’s oppression, their bruises and their brokenness till the ground that they will then eat from. 

160 years ago the issue wasn’t if the slaves were free (they were!) but the issue was if they knew it. What has never before been so true than it is today, is this: those who know they are free or have never been enslaved have to voice freedom for the one who is free, but struggling to believe it because of the eyes through which they daily see the world. Freedom means nothing unless it is reinforced in actions – what is said with the mouth must be proved with the hand. 

We can celebrate Juneteenth with music that calls up cadences from Kenya, but we still have to reinforce each other’s freedom. We can eat red foods to symbolize the struggle and the red-tinted foods made with hibiscus leaves in West Africa, but we still have to reinforce each other’s freedom. We can wear shirts that say “BLACK LIVES MATTER”, but with our actions alone do we honor the perseverance and relentless strength of African American people after 400 years of oppression. They were finally free; today we will continue to be free. Celebrate Juneteenth with everyone you know by reminding them that they are free – and then treating them like you believe it!

MENTAL HEALTH: What is Anxiety?

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by Alexis Rosendo

What is anxiety? 

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), “Anxiety is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure. Anxiety is not the same as fear, but they are often used interchangeably. Anxiety is considered a future-oriented, long-acting response broadly focused on a diffuse threat, whereas fear is an appropriate, present-oriented, and short-lived response to a clearly identifiable and specific threat” (2022). 

Whew! That’s a mouthful. Let’s make it relatable. 

Everyone has anxiety at some point about something, and a great deal of the time anxiety symptoms are simply a part of the typical human experience! Think about the time you have been anxious about an upcoming exam, or anxious about the outcome of trying a new job, or moving to a new place, or swimming in deep water for the first time. This is perfectly normal, and that anxiety is a good thing! Healthy anxiety helps us to focus on the parts of life that may need extra preparation or caution. It is a driving force that causes us to study for the upcoming exam, or wear a life jacket when swimming in deep water for the first time. In a lot of ways, healthy anxiety keeps us alive! Without it, we may walk a little too close to a busy street, or make decisions without an appropriate and reasonable amount of forethought. Healthy anxiety that leads to preparation or caution should always be encouraged and celebrated. 

But what about anxiety that isn’t healthy? 

What if it feels like you’re a little too cautious? Or maybe you always feel the need to over-prepare for everything? What if the anxiety seems to be all-consuming? What if it feels like you are always in a high state of anxiety, so much so that this anxiety has become a part of your personality and identity? What’s the difference between healthy anxiety and problematic anxiety?

Anxiety disorders, or anxiety that is problematic and impacts daily functioning, do exist in various forms. Anxiety disorders are the top mental health disorder experienced by people of all ages all over the world, and over 31% of adults will suffer from an anxiety disorder in their lifetime (American Psychiatric Association, 2021). Medical doctors and mental health professionals, such as counselors, psychologists, and social workers, can give you an official diagnosis of an anxiety disorder as well as help you treat it therapeutically or pharmaceutically (depending on the diagnosis, severity, and your personal preference and need).

Anxiety presents mentally (with racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, and dread) as well as physically (with a racing heartbeat, sweat, shaky hands, or butterflies in the stomach) BUT anxiety presents differently from person-to-person, which can make it hard to know if your anxiety is healthy or not. Remember, not all anxiety is bad and not all anxiety constitutes a clinical disorder nor requires treatment, so having an official diagnosis is very important.

Keep reading and ask yourself the following questions to see if it might be a good idea to contact a mental health professional to explore the possibility of an anxiety diagnosis.

Questions to ask yourself:

  1. Is it hard to remember the last day or time that you weren’t anxious?
  2. Would you classify your anxiety level as high?
  3. Are most of your decisions made because you are anxious about the future, or trying to avoid becoming more anxious?
  4. Do you feel anxiety even when you are trying to rest or relax?
  5. Do you feel the need to distract yourself from your anxious thoughts ? Do you use alcohol, drugs, social media, and other daily habits on a regular basis to quiet and calm the anxiety that you feel?
  6. Do you get the impression that you are more anxious than the average individual?
  7. Has anxiety stopped you from doing something that you know you should have done?
  8. Has anxiety stop you from going somewhere that you needed to go?
  9. Have you begun to take extensive measures to avoid places and things that make you anxious?
  10. Do you feel like your anxiety controls your life?

If these questions resonate with your regular experience of anxiety, I encourage you to reach out to local mental health organizations to be assessed for an anxiety disorder. Again, it is extremely common for individuals to qualify for a diagnosis of anxiety disorder at some point in their life, so you are NOT alone and there is no reason to be ashamed. For some, they have experienced the anxiety disorder for their entire life to where it is all that they know. For others, they may qualify for the diagnosis of an anxiety disorder for a short time due to a recent trauma or major life adjustment that they are struggling to cope with. Either way, there are various treatment approaches and options that you can explore with the mental health practitioner of your choosing.

The bottom line is, there is hope! You do not have to live your life in a constant state of worry and tension. You do not have to live controlled by the physical symptoms of anxiety. You can be empowered to manage and even decrease the frequency, intensity, and impact of anxiety on your life. Anxiety does not have to be your normal. THERE IS HOPE! Reach out and get the help you need… you deserve it and your future will thank you! 

Onward and upward!  

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2021, June). What are anxiety disorders?. American Psychiatric Association. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/anxiety-disorders/what-are-anxiety-disorders#:~:text=Anxiety%20disorders%20are%20the%20most,of%20effective%20treatments%20are%20available.

American Psychological Association. (2022, August). Anxiety. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/anxiety 

MENTAL HEALTH: What are Boundaries?

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by Alexis Rosendo

BOUNDARIES. It’s likely that you have heard the word boundaries thrown around in a conversation or two. Maybe you encountered it while scrolling on social media, or watching a YouTube clip, or listening to a podcast. Boundaries is very much a ‘buzz’ word right now, and for good reason. Anyone who is trying to maintain healthy relationships with themselves and other people have thought about, or is thinking about, or will think about boundaries. But what is a boundary, and what does it mean to set a boundary?

We actually encounter boundaries in the real world all of the time. Picture a house or building that you have seen in your neighborhood recently. Maybe it has a fence around it. That fence is a boundary: it keeps things in that need to be kept in, like pets, and keeps out what needs to be kept out, like trespassers. Now think about the smart phone you own, or one that you’ve seen. Chances are it has a lock screen that requires either a multi-digit pin code, face recognition, or fingerprint recognition to gain access. That lock screen is a boundary: it clearly separates those who have access from those who do not. That’s it! On a basic, generic level, a boundary is a barrier that is created in the midst of one’s life, routine, or relationships that defines an expectation. To return to earlier examples, a boundary may be communicated via a sign on a fenced-in property that says, AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY, or by a lock-screen message on a smartphone that says PLEASE ENTER PIN TO UNLOCK PHONE. Really good boundaries also communicate the consequence for not respecting the boundary. For example, the fenced-in property could add to their sign: VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED. Likewise, the savvy smartphone will alert you that, after too many failed tries, that PHONE WILL BE LOCKED FOR 5 MINUTES. Now we know not only the expectation, but the consequence for not complying. Finally, really really good boundaries also communicate why the boundary exists.

That brings us to you. And to me. Now that we understand what a boundary is and what boundaries look like in every day life, what does they have to do with mental health and relationships?

Boundaries are used to communicate expectations to those who are part of our world as a means of sharing our wants and needs + negotiating getting those wants and needs met. The end result of setting boundaries is having your needs met.

You probably set boundaries all the time without even realizing! Saying, “please don’t touch me” to a stranger trying to get your attention in a grocery store is setting a boundary. Asking your family members to knock before entering your bedroom is setting a boundary. Letting your blind date know that you don’t kiss on the first date is setting a boundary. 

Here are some quick tips for how to set boundaries consistently and effectively in your everyday life :

Know what boundary you want to set.  Consistency is everything! Imagine you approach that fenced-in property that we mentioned before, but today the fence is removed. But then you return to the property tomorrow and the fence and sign is back in place. You would be extremely confused as to whether you were allowed to access that property. Is trespassing allowed? Is someone actually intending to prosecute violators? It’s hard to tell! The same goes for our relationships. When we toggle back-and-forth haphazardly between what we want and what we don’t want, we confuse the people around us, many of whom love us and actually want to respect our boundaries. As long as they are confused, they are less likely to do what it is you would like for them to do, which leads to disappointment and frustration for everyone. Take some time alone to really sit and reflect on the boundaries that you want to set before you set them. 

Now set the boundary! A fool-proof method for setting a boundary is to begin with an ‘I’ statement. ‘I’ statements bring the focus to the speaker (a.k.a. you!) and what the speaker is feeling, thinking or needing. ‘I’ statements also allow the person who is listening (your spouse, relative, friend, boss, etc) to be more receptive to what you are saying instead of defensive. Including the emotion that you are feeling is really important, especially when setting boundaries in relationships. Humans connect most often to one another via emotions (not facts and logic), so the more you are able to tell someone how you are feeling when communicating, the more they can connect with what you are communicating.

Use this formula of a feeling + a need to set a boundary: “I feel _____ when _____. I need ________.” An example of this would be, “I feel disrespected when you come to my room without permission. I need you to knock and wait for me to invite you in before you enter my room.”

Enforce the boundary! This is the hardest part. Sometimes we can manage to get through setting a boundary, but the second that someone disrespects or oversteps the boundary, we freeze. What do I do now? Unfortunately, there are some people who simply will not follow a rule or boundary unless there’s a consequence. Think about how many people only avoid speeding because there is a ticket, fine, or court date involved, not because it’s actually unsafe and inconsiderate to other drivers. The threat of the consequence is the motivation for compliance. To be clear — you don’t always need to start communicating your boundary with a consequence; however, if you’re noticing that the boundary has been overstepped once or twice, it is probably time to communicate a consequence and enforce that consequence. Let’s return back to the earlier example about knocking on the door. I’m going to add a consequence at the end of my feeling + need boundary.

I feel disrespected when you come to my room without permission. I need you to knock and wait for me to invite you in before you enter my room. If you’re not willing to do that, I’ll no longer allow you to borrow my clothes.

The important part is to actually enforce the boundary consequence! So, when that family member barges into your room for the umpteenth time without knocking, you actually need to refuse their request to borrow clothes (even if you want them to borrow the clothes!). Just like tantrumming toddlers, people will test a boundary just to see if you really mean business. Someone will always call your bluff, so don’t threaten a consequence you can’t follow through on or one that is inappropriate for the relationship. I always say, start how you want to finish! Start by holding fast to the boundaries that you have set and following through on the consequences so people know exactly what to expect from you. If you begin by relaxing the boundary or not following through on the consequence, people will expect that from you and it’ll be much harder to actually start enforcing your boundaries later. They will only care about your boundaries if you care.

Now, to normalize this for you, boundary setting is hard. EXTREMELY HARD. It will often feel weird at the beginning, and it may cause some disruptions in the relationships that are not used to you being assertive about your needs and expectations. You may feel selfish for, say, not lending out the clothes, or you may feel like you’re overreacting to what others are doing. When transitioning from no boundaries to boundaries, the adjustment period will be uncomfortable, yet temporary. Boundary setting is something that every human needs to be able to do in their life in order to advocate for ourselves and others, so it is worth the effort. It will take some trial and error to find the language that feels most comfortable to you, so feel free to tweak the examples above. Find a method for setting boundaries that works for you and your life.

We are all works in progress. Everyone could use resources and help on how to improve with boundary setting, so feeling like you need some extra practice or support or that boundaries sound impossible is normal. In my work as a counselor, there are rarely clients who haven’t needed to work on boundary setting in some form or another. For many individuals, it is the main reason why they are seeking counseling. Do not feel shame or embarrassment if you struggle with setting boundaries. This isn’t something that is intuitive – boundary setting has to be taught in order for it to be known. Fortunately, anyone can learn anything if they are willing. 

If you struggle with setting boundaries and it is beginning to affect your life (or maybe you want to nip it in the bud before it does), I encourage you to reach out to local mental health organizations to find a counselor that would be a good match for you and your needs. Counseling will not be an overnight fix, but you will get the tools, practice, and support you need to make meaningful and lasting change. You can do it! 

Onward and upward!

MENTAL HEALTH: What Is Counseling?

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by Alexis Rosendo

Congratulations! You have decided (or are at least vaguely considering) embarking on a counseling journey for the first time. First and foremost, let’s take a moment to recognize the magnitude of this moment! One should not take lightly the decision to pursue mental wellness; it takes courage and humility to take that first step and you should feel very proud of yourself. Good for you! What an amazing decision. The future you will thank you!

Now, on to the reason why we are here. Even though you may be thinking about beginning a counseling relationship with a qualified counselor, you may still be a bit iffy on what counseling entails. If that’s you, give yourself some grace! Movies and media do not accurately portray counseling and, thus, there are many misconceptions. We have all, at some point, had the wrong idea about what counseling is like. If you’re feeling anxious about starting counseling, you are not alone. This anxiety is normal, and some anxiety is even a good thing! However, anxiety that stems from being misinformed about counseling is probably making you more anxious than you would be otherwise, which can prevent you from reaching out for the help that is needed. Furthermore, the misconceptions about counseling can set you up for swift and severe disappointment and even hinder your potential to be successful in counseling. This article serves to clarify a few major points about what counseling is and isn’t and hopefully decrease some unnecessary anxiety.

Why? Because you should be well-informed! Counseling is an investment of time, money, and self, and you should know what you are getting into before you sign the client agreement. Tempering your expectations will also prepare you mentally for what is to come and increase the likelihood that you will be receptive to the various aspects of the therapeutic process. All in all, the more informed you are going into counseling, the greater the chance for you to stay in counseling (instead of dropping out prematurely) and the greater the chance for you to reach your therapeutic goals for meaningful change.

COUNSELING IS NOT…

  • laying on couch or staring at inkblots
  • getting advice about major life decisions or being told how to solve your problems
  • being “preached to” or reprimanded for one’s mistakes
  • being told everything that is wrong with you
  • venting and unburdening oneself, and then leaving
  • having someone “shrink” your brain or ‘mess around’ in your head (changing who/how you are)
  • being made to change in a way you don’t want to change
  • being told what to do
  • being questioned about sensitive or difficult topics you don’t want to discuss
  • being made to break down and cry
  • being forced into treatment you don’t want

COUNSELING IS…

  • talking and sharing about one’s life (events, thoughts, feelings, desires) based on what you choose to share
  • offering information to the counselor and answering the counselor’s questions
  • exploring one’s own inner world
  • gaining clarity and new perspectives
  • learning coping skills to properly manage one’s life
  • being assessed for clinical diagnoses that can help with counseling treatment
  • setting goals
  • being held accountable for working towards goals
  • pursuing change
  • pursuing healing
  • learning why you do the things you do
  • building new habits and practicing, practicing, practicing until these habits become your new ‘normal’
  • psychoeducation – learning about the mental health topics that relate to you
  • working on skills and topics that are most relevant to what is going on in your life
  • working collaboratively with the counselor to decide how to spend counseling time
  • connecting with the counselor through trust and rapport

To normalize what you may be feeling, everyone is a little uncertain in trying something new for the first time. I encourage you to be upfront with your counselor about your concerns, and to ask every single question you can think of to help you feel more comfortable and prepared! The job of the counselor is to serve you, your goals, and your wants, and a good counselor will be happy to explain what you can expect when you first meet with them. Keep in mind that the counselor is there to serve you, and so if ever your counseling experience starts to look like the “Counseling Is Not” list, advocate for yourself — even if that means finding a new counselor!

Again, bravo for taking this courageous first step and thinking about your future mental wellness! You have arrived at this moment for a reason (whatever it may be). Allow that to be your motivation to keep going towards finding a counselor that is a good fit for your needs and getting that initial session scheduled. You can do it!

Onward and upward!