Tag: mental-health

MENTAL HEALTH: Perfection Is Not The Goal

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by Alexis Rosendo

If you’re anything like me, you have had a season of life (or are currently in this season) where you struggled with perfectionism. You wanted to be perfect, you wanted your life to be perfect, you wanted your grades to be perfect, you wanted your kids to be perfect, your house to be perfect, your marriage to be perfect, your clothes to be perfect, something in your life that you valued or that others valued or that you could see or they could see or that meant anything to anyone to be without flaws. Worthy of being adored, emulated, openly praised, and verbally recognized. Inspiring long glances, comparison, even envy. Perfect. 

Why does perfection have such a hold on us? What is it about being perfect or having something that is perfect that grips us, drives us and controls us? 

Control is the right word to use, because perfection is rooted in anxiety and control. Perfection feeds the lie in our brain that says “ if this is perfect, then they will think or do _____ or I can ______ or I’ll never again have to ______”. We truly believe that if we can control one area of life towards perfection, that the perfection of that area of life would, in turn, control another area of life that feels out of our control. We control the part that we can control, and then our control manages to control the uncontrollable. Sounds crazy, right? But we actually believe it, even though it doesn’t make any sense! The truth? The part that is out of our control will never be in our control, no matter how much we control the part that is within our control. Read that again. 

The part that is out of our control will never be in our control, no matter how much we control the part that is within our control.

What does this mean? This means that being ‘perfect’ doesn’t end up changing how we feel about ourselves, that having a perfect marriage doesn’t end up changing how people view us, and having perfect things or a perfect job doesn’t increase our value and worth, it doesn’t get rid of the insecurities or the depression or fix your parenting or mend your relationships or increase your potential. Many have run this race, lost the gamble and can testify that it doesn’t work. If it did, (I always say) I wouldn’t have a job. Right? 🙂

Perfection is not the goal. So then what is? 

HEALTH. 

Balance, congruence, authenticity, peace, wellness. Health is the goal. Sometimes health looks like progress, growth, and maturity. Other times health looks like acceptance, contentment, maintenance. Often health looks like downsizing, reducing, purging, detoxing. One thing is for certain, though, is that health never ever looks like perfection. Why? Because a brain that views perfection as a thing to be attained instead of refuted is not a healthy brain. A body that’s willing to do the things necessary to achieve any idea of “perfection” is not a healthy body. And a heart that feels its attained perfection now has to be maintained at all costs to avoid the risk of loss, is not a healthy heart. As soon as we start thinking, feeling and living in terms of absolutes, things have become distorted and skewed and unhealthy.

Desire for yourself and your loved ones health. A mind that sees beauty, glory, and knowledge existing only in and from imperfections. A body that is willing to do what is necessary for itself, independent of what anyone else is doing, to function and exist at an equilibrium, both as the whole and within the parts. A heart that is full of so much gratitude for what is that it spends very little time craving what is not.

For many people, this is a hard sell. They’ve lived their whole entire life feeling like there was a need and a pressure to be perfect in order to be loved, valued, or to be at peace within themselves that they can’t even imagine living another way. That is OK. Start wherever you start. You only know what you’ve been taught, and you can only do what you’ve seen done. Perfection is packaged and sold in so many variations within our society that this viewpoint of ‘achieve a perfect life’ is more the rule than the exception. This viewpoint is, in fact, countercultural. So don’t feel ashamed if you need to reach out to a trusted loved one or to call a mental health professional to help you on this journey towards reconditioning the mind and reframing your life. It will be difficult, but it is so worth it. Health as the goal is freedom in the same way that perfection as the goal is a jail cell. You’ll never regret throwing away your ideas of perfection and instead of living in the beauty of reality. I know it.

Onward and upward! 

LIFE: Avoiding the Holiday Blues

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by Alexis Rosendo

It shouldn’t surprise you at all to know that depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts increase significantly during the November and December holiday seasons. Yes — amidst the family pictures, winter cheer and gratitude prayers are an entire host of mental health symptoms threatening to overtake us. There are many reasons for this, among which are heightened interactions with extended family members, the loneliness of not having anyone with whom to celebrate, or the disappointment of ruined meals, cancelled flights and failed plans.

Whatever your holiday looks like, we are all united in the effort to make them a time of cherishing what is most important with the folks who are most important (or in honor of these folks) while ending the year on the most positive note possible.

Here are some universal tips for making that happen. Feel free to adjust to fit your specific need, situation, and ability. Happy holidays!

TIPS FOR AVOIDING THE HOLIDAY BLUES

  1. Choose peace. Peace is often the first to go whenever the distressing symptoms are on the way. Before we truly sink into the pit of anxiety, loneliness, or sadness, we experience the sensation of being devoid of peace, which only gets worse as the pit gets deeper. Choosing peace means making the decisions that give you the best outcome for peace within yourself (in your heart, mind, spirit and body) as well as peace with others. For example, if going to Thanksgiving dinner at grandma’s means you get into your yearly argument with your cousin over politics while your mom is policing your food to ensure you lose weight, maybe decline that invitation and plan to see/speak to grandma, mom and cousin on separate, less tense, occasions. If traveling by plane for Christmas with the in-laws means that your anxiety is sky-high for 3 days leading up to the flight and that you’ll be sick for 3 days after being in the airport, maybe travel by car, even if that means you can only stay 1 day instead of 2. Choose peace for your mind, body, soul and spirit with the decisions you make.
  2. Say what needs to be said. Advocate, advocate, advocate. Set boundaries, be honest, speak from the heart, resolve conflicts, say “no”, offer your best perspective, share your life with others, speak up when something offends, and actually answer when asked what you would like or prefer. Speak authentically. Don’t allow yourself to become bottled up with all the suggestions, comments, and responses you wish you had said but didn’t out of fear, insecurity or overthinking. There is freedom and satisfaction in having a voice and in making your presence known, wherever you are.
  3. Find balance between celebration and relaxation. For some, celebration means indulging in food, alcohol, social events, and entertainment. This is great fun, and a highlight of the year. To ensure you don’t crash hard from ‘too much of a good thing’, pace yourself, take breaks, and seek balance and moderation. Find a way to prioritize celebration and relaxation, whether by alternating days between attending events and staying in, or by splitting the day so that you counter a busy evening with a lazy morning. Monitor (or ask trusted loved ones to monitor) your quantity of consumption and scheduling to make sure you don’t overdo it or stretch yourself too thin. Rest when you feel tired, give space for recuperation.
  4. Pursue gratitude. We find what we seek; this is true. If you set your mind on finding something, anything, to be grateful for, you will find it — guaranteed. Gratitude works naturally to counteract distressing symptoms, especially sadness and anxiety. Gratitude reminds you that you are not alone, not forgotten, not in despair, and not without options. Gratitude breeds hope, which looks towards the future earnestly and with excitement. Ending a year thankful and appreciative AND beginning a new year with hope and excitement is the best possible outcome for the holiday season.

Choosing peace means making the decisions that give you the best outcome for peace within yourself (in your heart, mind, spirit and body) as well as peace with others.

The holiday blues CAN be overcome, but (as you can see) it takes a lot of intentionality, planning, and self awareness. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a loved one for accountability in applying these tips, or to reach out for professional help if the tips aren’t working and you feel yourself slipping into the aforementioned pit. The holidays are hard, and there is no shame in needing support. Find the resources you need, and don’t stop until you achieve the goals you have for yourself. You can do it.

Onward and upward!

MENTAL HEALTH: Five Reasons Why You Need To SAY Your Emotion

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by Alexis Rosendo

How do you feel? Right now? Take a moment to put an emotion to your current state. Do you feel anxious, or frustrated, or confused, or calm? Knowing how you feel, and then being able to share that with others is such a rare, valuable, and necessary skill! 

But why? Why does it matter if someone knows how they’re feeling in different moments? And why does it matter if they tell people what these emotions are? How does that change anything?

5 Reasons Why You Should SAY Your Emotion

  1. It increases one’s emotional self awareness. Few things are more powerful than knowledge, wouldn’t you agree? Self-awareness is knowledge and insight about yourself that comes from consistent self-monitoring — this knowledge and insight changes based on ever-evolving situations and, yes, it is powerful. Many people lack self awareness, and it shows in their interactions, level of empathy, and emotional intelligence. Saying your emotion is a great step towards becoming self aware and cluing in to how you are experiencing the world around you in any given moment. This rare and valuable self awareness helps you to connect with others, present yourself in the way you intend to, resist allowing an overwhelm of emotion to overtake and rule you, and self soothe. 
  2. It helps to name it , claim it, tame it. Let’s get back to this self soothing idea. When we NAME the emotion, CLAIM it, we can TAME it. That is a catchy way of saying that when I can put my finger on what’s going on with me emotionally and accept that, yes, this is actually an accurate description of my emotional state, then and only then can I begin to resolve that emotion. Too often we can’t overcome an emotion because we don’t know what we are feeling and, even if we did, we would 100% deny that we were feeling it! It’s like when someone is feeling betrayed but can’t articulate that it’s betrayal (and not, say, anger or frustration) that they are feeling, and are denying that anything is wrong at all. They will have a very hard time working through that betrayal to regulate emotions back to a peaceful or neutral state. We cannot heal what we don’t reveal.
  3. It helps to connects people to other people. This one is a BIG one. How often have we been insulted or felt forgotten because someone didn’t respond to our emotion in the way we hoped? After feeling that disappointment, have you ever felt silly in realizing that you never actually SAID what your emotion was? I have! I think most people at one time or another have been guilty of assuming others can read your mind and body language with accuracy and precision, and then been guilty of expecting someone to do read your mind about what they should do with the information they have assumed. This is NOT FAIR. Even if someone knows you and loves you, their own emotional and mental state can cloud their ability to accurately judge what’s happening internally for you, and also…they shouldn’t have to work that hard! Open your mouth, remove all doubt, and give people the information they need to love and care for you properly based on how you are feeling. There’s no guarantee they’ll do it perfectly, or that there will be a flawless emotional connection, but there is a greater chance of a faulty emotional connection if you say nothing at all. 
  4. It helps one person to teach and model other people. We live and exist in community as flawed people who are all equally in need of growth and grace. The great thing about this is that we learn from one another and can grow together. As you boldly say your emotion, it allows for conversation and connection that then teaches and models for others how to say their emotions. Can you imagine living in a world where we all actually said what we were feeling…no mind games, no assumptions, just honesty and transparency? Some things could go wrong, but a lot could go right. If you are hoping others would be more open with you, a wonderful thing that is within your circle of control is first being open with them. 
  5. It disarms the emotion. Research shows that the emotions (and thoughts) that stay in our heads feel bigger, stronger, more daunting. Holding in an emotion will inevitably magnify that emotion beyond what is reasonable until the emotion feels increasing more difficult to overcome and manage. Saying our emotion helps us both to process the emotion on a deeper level and see it for what is really is: a temporary state of being that will pass, NOT a scary monster that has taken over and will never go away. I wonder how many times it has happened where something felt so insurmountable in the mind but once it was talked aloud, the individual realized it was actually not that bad as their own mind had made it seem. The same happens with our emotions. Is being ANGRY really the end of the world? What’s the worst that can happen if you really are CONFUSED? Disarm your emotions, take away the power they don’t deserve, and gain perspective by saying them aloud. 

Full disclosure – there’s a reason why everyone you meet or even everyone with who you are in relationship isn’t going around stating every emotion every day. IT’S HARD. It exposes us and makes us vulnerable. It’s scary. It is unpredictable how people will react to hearing our emotion. All of that is true and valid. It takes considerable courage to be real with yourself and others, so don’t feel bad if you struggle with this currently or have struggled with this for a long time. Take it one step at a time, say your emotion aloud to an empty room and let yourself get used to it before saying it to others. Or maybe set the goal to say aloud one emotion per week to anyone, doesn’t matter who or where. Where ever you start, you can make progress and you can build this skill. You can do it! 

Onward and upward!