Tag: writing

by Alexis Rosendo

If you’re anything like me, you have had a season of life (or are currently in this season) where you struggled with perfectionism. You wanted to be perfect, you wanted your life to be perfect, you wanted your grades to be perfect, you wanted your kids to be perfect, your house to be perfect, your marriage to be perfect, your clothes to be perfect, something in your life that you valued or that others valued or that you could see or they could see or that meant anything to anyone to be without flaws. Worthy of being adored, emulated, openly praised, and verbally recognized. Inspiring long glances, comparison, even envy. Perfect. 

Why does perfection have such a hold on us? What is it about being perfect or having something that is perfect that grips us, drives us and controls us? 

Control is the right word to use, because perfection is rooted in anxiety and control. Perfection feeds the lie in our brain that says “ if this is perfect, then they will think or do _____ or I can ______ or I’ll never again have to ______”. We truly believe that if we can control one area of life towards perfection, that the perfection of that area of life would, in turn, control another area of life that feels out of our control. We control the part that we can control, and then our control manages to control the uncontrollable. Sounds crazy, right? But we actually believe it, even though it doesn’t make any sense! The truth? The part that is out of our control will never be in our control, no matter how much we control the part that is within our control. Read that again. 

The part that is out of our control will never be in our control, no matter how much we control the part that is within our control.

What does this mean? This means that being ‘perfect’ doesn’t end up changing how we feel about ourselves, that having a perfect marriage doesn’t end up changing how people view us, and having perfect things or a perfect job doesn’t increase our value and worth, it doesn’t get rid of the insecurities or the depression or fix your parenting or mend your relationships or increase your potential. Many have run this race, lost the gamble and can testify that it doesn’t work. If it did, (I always say) I wouldn’t have a job. Right? 🙂

Perfection is not the goal. So then what is? 

HEALTH. 

Balance, congruence, authenticity, peace, wellness. Health is the goal. Sometimes health looks like progress, growth, and maturity. Other times health looks like acceptance, contentment, maintenance. Often health looks like downsizing, reducing, purging, detoxing. One thing is for certain, though, is that health never ever looks like perfection. Why? Because a brain that views perfection as a thing to be attained instead of refuted is not a healthy brain. A body that’s willing to do the things necessary to achieve any idea of “perfection” is not a healthy body. And a heart that feels its attained perfection now has to be maintained at all costs to avoid the risk of loss, is not a healthy heart. As soon as we start thinking, feeling and living in terms of absolutes, things have become distorted and skewed and unhealthy.

Desire for yourself and your loved ones health. A mind that sees beauty, glory, and knowledge existing only in and from imperfections. A body that is willing to do what is necessary for itself, independent of what anyone else is doing, to function and exist at an equilibrium, both as the whole and within the parts. A heart that is full of so much gratitude for what is that it spends very little time craving what is not.

For many people, this is a hard sell. They’ve lived their whole entire life feeling like there was a need and a pressure to be perfect in order to be loved, valued, or to be at peace within themselves that they can’t even imagine living another way. That is OK. Start wherever you start. You only know what you’ve been taught, and you can only do what you’ve seen done. Perfection is packaged and sold in so many variations within our society that this viewpoint of ‘achieve a perfect life’ is more the rule than the exception. This viewpoint is, in fact, countercultural. So don’t feel ashamed if you need to reach out to a trusted loved one or to call a mental health professional to help you on this journey towards reconditioning the mind and reframing your life. It will be difficult, but it is so worth it. Health as the goal is freedom in the same way that perfection as the goal is a jail cell. You’ll never regret throwing away your ideas of perfection and instead of living in the beauty of reality. I know it.

Onward and upward!